Weekend at the Movies: Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

“Fortune and Glory, Kid. Fortune and Glory”

But alas, people wanted more. Indiana Jones 4 has been in the making for almost 20 years. Apparently they were waiting for the perfect script to come along. Rumours appeared now and then but nothing was serious until we heard the Announcement for Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, set to be released in 2008. When the first teaser trailer was released I swear I could hear people all over the world celebrating. And I did too. But deep inside, I had my fears.

Could they ever live up to all the expectations of 20 years? Could they bring Indiana Jones back to life successfully? The answer is a resounding NO.

The movie is set in 1957, a few years after the Last Crusade. Indiana Jones is still a part-time teacher, part-time archaeological treasure hunter. It starts with Indy in trouble – he has been taken by the villains – not the Nazis anymore, it is the Cold War, so the Russians are the enemy now – to an enormous storehouse (which die-hard fans will remember from Raiders of the Lost Ark) to help retrieve a hidden treasure but Indy has other ideas. Mayhem follows.

The opening scene is the one we all have seen in the trailer and it works, it is a action good scene and a good re-introduction to the hero. But we only get the feeling that Indy is back a few moments later when he is in the classroom, wearing the good old Tweed Suit. Oh, Hello Indy, there you are. I missed thee.

To the ones worried that Harrison Ford is too old for the part – he is. But that is not a problem at all. He can still deliver, he IS Indiana Jones. His delivery is still spot on. He can still hold the Indiana Jones Candle.

So Ana, do tell us, if Harrison Ford is still Indy, if the action sequences are good, how come you say this is a Huge Pile of Rubbish.

To which I reply: the script, man. The Script is the worst I have seen in YEARS. Whoever told Steven Spielberg that is was the Script they had been waiting for, should be condemned to script hell. The plot was ridiculous, the dialogue cringe worthy, not one of the jokes worked. I repeat: the pain, the pain. Or should I say , the horror, the horror.

“No, you can not play Han Solo again. Forget about it”

What makes it even worse is that they had everything going for them. Harrison Ford playing the part, some cool action sequences , specially the car chases (well, it is Steven Spielberg after all), some of the secondary characters were cool (more on that later) and they managed to somehow make it look and feel like an authentic 80’s Indiana Jones’ movie. Add to that, the cool come back of the Creepy Crawlies, The Skeletons, The Cob Webs and the Snakes and you had a potential gold mine.

But they were minor things amongst the stupid plot which never managed to engage me: they are after the some long lost city – the famous Eldorado – in the jungles of Peru where supposedly there was a city made of gold and the Crystal Skull is the key to open it. So far so good, but the development of the story is poorly done with chopped up scenes here and there and we never get that feeling that we had in the previous movies, that tingle of excitement every time Indy found a new clue to the mystery. Remember that feeling? Not here. Nada.

If you don’t want to know more, avert your eyes right now for I have the urge to spoil:

The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was founded by the Indians who had been visited by dum dum dum dum: ALIENS!!!!!! WTF? Really? The aliens’ skeletons were waiting for the Crystal Skull to be returned so they could come back to LIFE and fly away in their flying saucer – you heard me right. NO, I did not watch the X-Files 2 by mistake.

Man, the whole finale was just so ridiculous and so over the top. I wanted to scratch my eyes out. The lamest line ever has got to be “The treasure was knowledge” .

Cate Blanchett character was so pathetic. I have nothing against cartoonish villains – it worked before. But there is a limit. Again, not her fault, the lines she was given were just argh.

“I vant knowleeeeeeeeeedge”

And the worst? Indiana Jones gets married to Marion – Teh Marion from the Lost Ark movie. People, Indiana Jones does NOT get married. And if he does, let it be away from the screen. Please.

Was there anything else I wanted to say. Hell YES: I have only two more words to add: Mutt Williams –Best. Hero. Name .Ever. He is dum dum dum (sorry) Indy’s SON and the best thing in the movie. Shia Lebeouf rocks and he has some cool scenes with Indy and I would not mind seeing more of him.

In the end, a fiesta de crapola which had Dear Partner blaming ME for the rest of evening : “ You geeks couldn’t let it lie could you? Did you have to ask for more? It should have ended with that last scene in the Last Crusade – riding into sunset”

Indeed.

I will just pretend the Crystal Skull never happened.